Raw post......
Over the past hours, I have been contemplating the things that we sometimes don't like to talk about as Christians. Those situations that aren't wrapped in a neat bow. When there are no easy answers. Times when healing doesn't come even though we have contended and trusted. When cliché answers don't satisfy.
On my heart is a dear friend and fellow mom who was hit with an undiagnosed ailment that has left her severely weakened and unable to care for her four children or their dream homestead. For the past 3 months she has been separated from her husband and boys so that she can get specialized treatment. They have been forced to sell their home. Yet, she is a shining gem of positivity and hope in Jesus Christ.
SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.....
I am reminded of my own journey with our eldest son and the hard questions I have asked God. When I was pregnant with Nathan, 18 years ago, he was given a death sentence. Through God's supernatural and miraculous intervention, he not only lived, but is a thriving senior in Highschool today.
Yet, he still has some medical issues. He has epilepsy and hydrocephalus which has led to multiple brain surgeries over his life.
Remembering back to when Nathan was in first grade, following a scary seizure at school, I began asking God some serious questions... Why was Nathan not fully healed?
I had seen people miraculously healed...heard amazing stories. I knew that God COULD heal. Was there some reason that Nathan was only partially healed?
I began wondering.....maybe I didn't have enough faith? Perhaps, even though I gave every ounce that I had.....my faith still wasn't strong enough for a full healing.
And then I thought about my past sins and how I had lived in active rebellion against God for a number of years in college. I wondered if my son's condition was a result of my sinful lifestyle.
Or maybe....my heart just wasn't right. God knew my heart and my motives and the times when I had been jealous, or hateful, or disobedient. Maybe my past sin, wayward heart, or lack of faith prevented my son from receiving a full healing?
AN UNEXPECTED ANSWER
In the midst of these questions rumbling in my soul and my persistent pressing into God, I was in for a divine set up. God answered me in a most unexpected way.
It was 2012. My sister had invited me to go to my first charismatic conference. Only 15-20 people were in attendance. Cory Asbury was leading worship with a band from IHOP. Coming from an Evangelical and cessationist upbringing, I had lots of "religion" still bound up inside. Prophetic song was foreign to me.
As the service progressed, Cory began singing a line over and over again, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault..."
This went on and on. After a bit, religion, logic, and criticism reared up and I began thinking, "What kind of song is this? This is stupid. How is this even a worship song?"
Then, it is as if God smacked me across the head and said to me, "This is for YOU." Suddenly, I remembered the lady from the congregation who had approached me before the service started. She told me, "God wants you to know that this isn't just for everyone else. This is for you."
Startled, I began listening with new ears to what Cory was saying....
"It's not your fault. I saw your heart, and it was a 'yes'. I saw your faith and it was strong enough. It's not your fault."
I began weeping. God was speaking right to my soul. Every question was being addressed. My son's condition wasn't my fault.
BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD
The question God didn't answer that night was "why". What He later assured me is that His grace is sufficient for me and my son, and His strength is perfected in my weakness. He has a good plan for my son, and He is working out relationship with Himself as my son wrestles with his own questions and faith.
I may never have all of the answers. But here is what I know.....Jesus has met me in the valley of the Shadow of death. He has wiped my tears. He has carried my sorrows. He has sent loving people across my path at just the right time.
He is good.....even when bad things happen. And Jesus is near. He is my constant companion.
And so I look to Him and trust him. I worship the One who gives and takes away......sometimes through tears. I worship in the waiting and not knowing. I choose Him. Even when I don't understand.
"Then Job stood up, tore his robe, and shaved his head. He fell to the ground and worshiped, saying:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will return.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
In all this, Job did not sin or charge God with wrongdoing." -Job 1:20-22